So stuff has changed. YET AGAIN
An aside on “squared being a different listing than splatter edition”
So what’s new? Why is it a different listing.
- it’s completely new layout and design. MOST IMPORTANTLY IT’S SQUARE and HAS BRAND NEW ART AND DESIGN WHICH I DIDN’T MAKE.
- BUT WHAT’S MORE, THERE IS MORE?!?$?
- There’s a new Spread with: THE OMEGACRAPTOR AND SOME DUDES WITH DOG HEADS?!??!
- Steve’s Place now has a name.
- The new design literally made me cry.
- It was a different project entirely that had its own budget, and is a new view into splatter edition.
- Also “why is it more than crapland splatter edition”. Well? we paid for layout and it’s REALLY GOOD.
—— NOW ON WITH THE CRAP YOUVE GROWN TO EXPECT ——-
crapland. squared IS art.
crapland. squared IS for sale. (not to be confused with splatter edition)
crapland. squared IS a setting for TROIKA!... yeah you heard me
crapland. squared has EDITORS NOW. LIKE PEOPLE READ THIS AND SAID YEAH LETS RELEASE THIS. MRC IS ON THIS JARRETT CRADER AND JARED SINCLAIR. (honestly Jarrett convinced me to even do this, working with MRC is fantastic, DO IT)
BUT WAIT THERE IS ALSO SPECIAL peeps.. they gave some CRAPPYadvice christian kessler and david n wilkie
BUT REALLY ANXIETY WIZARD MADE IT BETTER OR MADE IT CRAPPY WHO EVER WILL KNOW BUT IT'S REALLY GOOD
crapland. squared Is more than crapland. squared was.
It is now a COMPLETE SETTING SO LOOK UNDER YOUR SEATS TO FIND IT. Its 60 PAGES AND INTERNALLY CONSISTENT. YEAH IT TAKES ITSELF SERIOUSLY AND ONLY HAS ONE (1) FART JOKE IN IT.
I’ll go into what crapland. was but I’ll just paste in place, because hyperlinks are crappy.
crapland. WAS 6 crappy backgrounds for mundane mumblecore explorations into every day live. these people aren't real. they just are.
- Shark-8: a shark, but a man, but also a shark. it's boring tho
- Mel.: MEL FULL STOP. don't talk to mel unless u want the FULL STOP
- Mok: a monkey. what more do you want from me. it's a monkey
- Tela: toaster? computer? super computer.. maybe a super boring computer... leave me alone stop reading this crap
- Riff: guitarist who is always late for his gig.. or something. does a good riff on his guitar tho.. maybe
- Nope: i ain't telling you nothing.. nope. NOPE NOT A THING.
So WHAT IS crapland. Now?
- Craptors have a full write up
- D6 crappy adventures
- Nope has a day out.. some errands to run, and has to get on the damned freeway.. an awful day indeed
- Tela gets that dream bod they always wanted.. too bad it wants them back… a lot.. homicidally.
- Mok just wants to eat a banana
- Shark-8 has a big surf competition coming up…. that bodes well.
- Riff has a lot of gigs to attend to.. like blasting some sick riffs and delivering spicy fries.. how wrong could this battle of the bands go.. especially with some messed up orders?
- Mel. Goes to the planetarium.. too bad for her the planets have shown up and want to abandon science altogether.. if they lose SCIENCE then they meltdown.. good luck when a gas giant is like “I DON’T BELIEVE IN NEWTON PHYSICS ANYMORE” FULL STOP
- That’s all I’ve got for adventures.. stop asking.
- D66 crappy items… they’re not good
- D33 crap spells.. don’t cast them
- D63 crappy reasons to get off the couch.. so don’t
- D63 crappy food in your crappy fridge.. it’s all terrible
- D63 crappy shows on yer crappy tv… yeah turn it off.
- D36 crappy effects from getting hit by a craptor knife… uh.. what does this even mean and what is a craptor
- D33 crap effects from an interdimensional portal opening and letting forth another world that is decidedly less boring and much more cool where movies are decent and food tastes good
- D63 crap jobs… you don’t need to get one
- D33 crappy places to go… I wouldn’t go there either.
legal crapland.
“crapland. squared is an independent production by Orbital Intelligence and is not affiliated with the Melsonian Arts Council.”
---
Credits
- Writing - Sean Richer
- MORE WRITING - Anxiety Wizard... did you notice the new Omegacraptor?
- Editing - Jarrett Crader and Jared Sinclair
- Layout & Design - Anxiety Wizard
- AAAART - Anxiety Wizard
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SO CRAPLAND. SQUARED HAS JUST WON AN AWARD FROM THE AWARDS!
Essay from the Awards
"Did you know David Lynch has a music career? The title track of his 2011 album Crazy Clown Time is, for my money, the centerpiece of his lifelong fascination and disgust with suburban America. Much has been made of the symbolisme of the opening minutes of Blue Velvet (1986), of the soap-opera naturalism of Twin Peaks (1990-1991) at its best, but it’s not often that Lynch is able to marry those two visions of small-town America as successfully as he does here. Lyrically, “Crazy Clown Time” is a flat description of a raucous backyard party, made strange by frankness and a droning, industrial minor blues backing. Its music video, directed by Lynch, is like Slacker (1990) as a horror film.
Conversely, crapland. squared. is like Slacker as a Looney Tunes. Its character backgrounds (really just characters) are crayon-outlines of individuals. “Mel.” has a bottle of hot sauce and “a telegram stop in her name,” and is skilled at scythe fighting. “Riff” can’t read sheet music, but plays good riffs, and has a “trash bag (for head).” Each of them, in their own way, is real—I have certainly known my fair share of people like “Nope,” who goes to an online college and stopped turning in his homework. I’ve been Nope. I, too, hope one day to catch a prized black marlin.
crapland. squared. is not subtle. We see “d63 crappy reasons to get off the couch” and “d63 crappy tv shows on your crappy tv” and “d63 crap jobs” and there’s no question: this is a book concerned with the realities of suburban malaise, with the absurdity of living under late capitalism, with having no direction. That makes the book sound much more grounded than it is, so let me also point out that there are Craptors (a bizarro-world version of the “Reptilians” conspiracy theory), that Tela (the computer character) has a “Dream Bod” that kind of wanders around mindlessly flexing, that one of the adventures is a surf competition (against some “aquaticraptors”). Even the structure of the language is routinely unhinged. It’swritten in a pseudo-diegetic voice, I suppose, and it often gets away from itself. You might decide to “get some take out from the Long House. Yeah it’s like a number 5 and a number 3, no mayo, and like 4 sodas, spicy fries.” Then you roll on a table of “Food Errors” that might tell you the “food is TOO tasty,” or that the cashier is a local supermodel who shows up later at your band’s gig. It’s written casually, in the way we type to one another when we don’t expect that our writing will show up later in a published game book. It doesn’t always see the need to explain itself, even when it possibly (probably) should, but that’s how we talk with our friends. It’s a difficult thing to pull off, but it’s helped by a semi-paradoxical indifference to naturalism, in a way similar to Lynch. If crapland. seems postured or plastic at times, that can only heighten the broad post-1990s suburban American apathy it’s performing.
Let me be clear, however: the voice is not incidental or purely textural. There is a huge amount of information, otherwise unstated, that comes through purely from the diction and structure of the crapland.’s voice. By virtue of being a speaker, speaking through text, much of the typical expositional onus of a game book like this disappears. When Mok swings from a vine, he does “like 3 flips, it’s really cool, everyone loves it.” The book doesn’t have to explain out loud that actually it’s kind of silly and a little tacky. Its superficiality is right there in the narration. It’s like reading a middle schooler’s diary— you know very well what’s really going on, even if the narrator is too naïve to see it themselves. It seems blasphemous to accuse crapland. of using language efficiently or economically, but it is nonetheless filled with this highly efficient use of implication through narration. At the end of Riff’s gig, the “stage shatters from all the music coming out of it,” and “the glass and metal and shards and stuff impale the crowd.” So when the next sentence is “THEY LOVE IT,” the book doesn’t need to say more—you’ve probably had this kind of over-the-top, dissociative experience before. The surprise here, and the forward momentum of the voice, is all that’s necessary to conjure that.
Also it has a stat block for planets."
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